Writing with Anxiety: A New Problem

Evening all,

Following on from last weeks 'Mental Awareness Week' article, I have been continuing to get some help as part of my continuing effort to work as a journalist.

However, I have been informed that there's something seriously wrong with me (apart from the anxiety). I have been suggested to take some online tests about how I write and how I think.

I did these tests over the past week, and the results came back this morning. The tests say that I am Dyslexic. 

When I read them, I felt relieved and upset at the same time. I feel relieved that I know that apart from Anxiety, I now know the reason why my writing has never been up to a high standard. Even though I'm developing my skills through the RFL, I know that my current style of writing won't get me places.

On the flip side, I feel upset now know that I have this disability along with my anxiety, I fear my chance of getting a job are getting smaller. I get the feeling that many editors who work at the BBC or at ITV will now know this and they'll think less of me as I'm not a good writer. 

What I don't understand is that this is the same test I completed in 2009, and yet this time I've been diagnosed with Dyslexia. Maybe perhaps that my mental state has changed over time. 

But looking back on this, I think that this discovery will help me and not hinder my chances. There are not many journalists out there who suffer from Anxiety and Dyslexia. So I see this as a new challenge. I am no quitter and there's no reason why I should be discriminated for applying for jobs that involve with work that I really enjoy doing, even with my condition. 

So with that in mind, it's business as usual but on a different scale. 

to be continued...

Writing with Anxiety: Mental Health Awareness week

Evening all. 

Some of you may know this is the week of 'Mental Health Awareness Week'. With one in four people suffering from mental health problems in their life, I feel its right to showcase my story with Anxiety. 
I have suffered on and off with Anxiety since 2007 - the time where I quit my Television Journalism course at Nottingham Trent University due to finances. Despite going back two years later and getting the qualification I wanted, there have been some really low times. I have starved myself over not getting any work and often I feel that no one wants me as a journalist. 

Anxiety still affects my life every day, I do over analyse things and often have a thousand thoughts going through my head and this is in every situation I have during the day. The thoughts often inside my head are about working as a journalist. It's the only thought that makes me feel happy and wanted. Time has moved on for me but the thoughts are still there. Even though I am now working for a major sports organisation in the UK and getting my work featured on ITV and BBC regional news, I still feel that I belong somewhere else. I feel that I deserve to work as a journalist for a news organisation. Every time I get rejected this makes me feel upset and lost. I do keep ongoing to make sure I look for the next job. But whilst I am away from my journalism work, my head keeps saying to me. “YOU MUST GET ON TRACK, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE” 

One thing I have learned that since being diagnosed with Anxiety, is that I may suffer alone. That's not true. I learned that talking to someone will help you feel better and also start the journey to get rid of the mindset you are in. 

Over the past few years, I do have some good people to turn to, so that they help me and make sure I'm okay and heading in the right direction. I still keep in contact with my ex-tutor and ex-BBC journalist Barnie Choudhury. We are both currently working on a new journalism strategy, to help me make the next step and find a new job working as a journalist. My girlfriend Esther has been really supportive, understanding and quite calm every time I ask her “hope you're OK”. I also keep in touch with my counsellor from 2014. She is still there for me should I need her for any help. I also bump into former journalism colleagues who has been a part of my journey since 2007 and they tell me to keep going and not give up. 

But it's not just talking to people I believe that will help. I do find it a lot easier though when you do look after yourself. And it is the simple things like exercise. Recently I've joined a Handball team near where I live in Kent, which has helped me to socialise with new people and enjoy the sport at the same time. I also do a lot of fresh air walking and also spending time at my local spa with Esther. 

For me, it's the little things which will make the big changes for me in life. It did when I got signed up by the RFL in 2014. I haven't looked back since. And my recovery from anxiety is taking place one step at a time. And that's the best way to combat any mental disease is one step at a time. It may take time some to overcome it, but one day you will overcome it and you will be happy again. That's what I'm sticking to but I know it won't be easy. 

To be continued........

2016: A Review by John Seager

Evening all, 

Well, it's safe to say that 2016 has been a pretty eventful year. From Trump to Brexit, from Leicester City to the Chicago Cubs and countless well-known celebrity deaths, this year has got to be the year where everyone got kicked in the balls with surprises.

For me, it has been a good year. I'm still with Esther (we are approaching our 2nd-year anniversary), I'm still working for the RFL and I've still got a loving family around me who are healthy. But there have been some key points that this year has stood out for me. And with that in mind, I'm going to rank my top five moments of 2016.

5. Anyone for Handball.

At the end of the 2015 review, I mentioned that I considered taking up Handball as a hobby, and true to my word, that's exactly what I went and did. It didn't take me too long to find my local club but I decided to join in late August - after the Rio 2016 Olympic Games - to take it seriously and to be honest I wished it took up the sport a few years ago. I learned a lot there about the game and I have pushed myself to get better and I want to improve that in 2017. Maybe I can squeeze in a full 60-minute game or two, let's hope so.

4. WhRL 2016 Season

Following on from a successful first season with the RFL, I had to up my game for the new season. Things did change behind the scenes in the sport and I had to adapt to those changes as well. One of these being taking charge and creating a dedicated Facebook page to the sport where I can showcase my work as Media Manager. I covered about 90% of the WhRL Premier League games including the Grand Final, a game from every round of the WhRL Challenge Cup including the final and the WhRL Four Nations event in Rochdale. A pretty productive season you would say, but there would be some great results from this later in this countdown...

3. 18 Hours in Munich

I did say at some point at the end of last year on my Facebook page I was planning a trip to Munich. and again being true to my word, I did that and a lot more. The seed was planted in January, to go and watch FC Bayern Munich v FC Schalke 04. with the ticket bought for £43 and a round trip costing £70 I was on my way. I took in the Munich Crash Memorial site and also saw 1860 Munich's Second team draw 0-0 as well before heading over to the really impressive Allianz Arena to see Schalke get dicked by Robert Lewandowski and company by a score of 3-0. Schalke was impressive in the stands, we were constantly out signing the Bayern fans. Following the game, I flew back to Gatwick and into the loving arms of my girlfriend, speaking of which...

2. Spending every moment with Esther

At the beginning part of the year, we have celebrated a year of being together and I admit this past year the stuff we did has been truly magical. From trips to Hastings, Eastbourne, Llandudno, Wrexham and Rome for her birthday, we have done a lot of great things together as a couple. We have had our highs and lows - like most couples - but we tackle them together. I cannot wait to move in with you at some point in 2017 and I'll never forget the time you looked after me when I was intoxicated on German beer on my birthday, which saw me being transported in Croydon in a wheelchair.

Before I get to number one, here are a couple of honorable mentions:

Gillingham Ladies - great to continue to work alongside the girls again for this season and I know they'll do great things in 2017.

Kent Kings Speedway - Due to my RFL commitments I couldn't go as many times as I have liked this past year but another great season. Roll on 2017 - hopefully their last one in the National League before going up a division.

Cancer Research Dryathlon - a month without beer - it was really tough but I did it and I raised a lot of money for Cancer Research UK. Well worth it.

And at number one on the list:

1. Filming for ITV News Calendar (twice!!)

Oh My God... did this really happen, well if you told me at the beginning of the year I wouldn't believe you. The story starts in May, following on from a successful two-day trip to Leeds as part of the ITV Insight Programme; I talked to the big wigs of Calendar and they were happy to take my filming for the WhRL Challenge Cup and Grand Finals. This for me was a great move in the right direction and seeing my two clips used showcased that I can do this job and I hope I can continue to work with them in the future. I am due to go on an another placement in 2017 hopefully in either the Granada or Meridian regions, so they definitely haven't heard the last of me.

Well, that's the list for now. Hope you've enjoyed this list. All that's left for me to say is that I hope 2016 has been good for you. If not then I hope 2017 will be a better year for you.

Until next time, I'll Sithee and Happy New Year

John Seager's Review of the year 2015

Evening all,

At the end of the 2014, I was in a good stead to make 2015 a special year for me. Things were finally going well for me and I was getting more reporting work. But 2015 completely blew the roof off the previous few years and this has been the best year for my work and my life so far. And it all started to change 72 hours into the New Year...

John Seager...In a Relationship

Someone once said to me: 'the smallest of changes will make the big things happen in your life'. This was true when I decided to ask Esther (a girl who I met from Match.com back in November of last year) to be my girlfriend. I did think she would say no as she was travelling back from New Zealand and the jet lag might catch up with her. Luckily for me it didn't, we had a nice drink together and I asked her at the end of the night which she said yes.  It felt amazing closing down my dating profile and for the first time in my life, someone actually wanted to go out with me for being me.

The stuff we have done as a couple over the past year has been special and fantastic. We spent a lot of great time together and she has been really supportive to my work as a reporter and also my plans for the future. We have also spent two holidays together one in Berlin where I learned the lesson never to take her to a football game again, but we both had a fantastic time there and also in Bruges for her birthday. It was really nice to go on holiday with her, but nothing can compare to the holiday which I went on back in February.

Das Deutschland...Das Bundesliga

This was a holiday which was the culmination of months of planning; saving and buying everything I need for a one week football trip on my own to Germany.  Considering it was over ten years since I last went on a foreign holiday, I was very excited but nervous at the same time as I was travelling on my own. I would call it a once in a lifetime trip, but it started with an uncomfortable night sleep at Gatwick whilst watching the Super-bowl. A few hours later I was in Dusseldorf in a small hotel trying to acclimatise to my new surroundings. Over the rest of the week I caught 5 games in Germany for less than £100. Four of them were top flight games; including in Dortmund where I stood opposite a big yellow wall, in Gelsenkirchen where I made a lot of friends from both the UK and in Germany despite getting lost at the end of the game and in Köln (Cologne) where I witnessed one of the best football themes at a club, despite missing Gillingham winning 2-0 at home to Sheffield United. Finding out that result caused some 'fun' on the way back to Dusseldorf. I also caught a third division game again in Köln the following day which I found myself acting like a fool on the 'Sportschau' sports show on ARD 'Das Erste' channel.

One positive thing to come from the trip was that my travel exploits was featured in the Gillingham FC programme for the game verses Doncaster later in February. It did feel nice to write again for the main programme and share my story of a fantastic trip. The only major downside were that I didn't get to see many goals - six in total and three came in the final game which I wasn't expecting. I also wasn't expecting a hotly atmosphere when I went into see Borussia Dortmund's game with FC Augsburg, this happened because I was wearing blue shoes and I took a photo with my blue Gillingham scarf inside the ground, with some of the Dortmund fans thinking I'm a Schalke 04 fan (I'm not making that mistake again.) One other thing, I have caught the 'football travel bug' and I will be making more trips back to Germany and possibly to France next year. And who knows, Russia in 2018 anyone?

So with less than two months completed of the year things were going very well...could they get better?

(KLAXON) Job Alert...The RFL is calling...

It does feel nice to get a call out of the blue and get offered an opportunity of a lifetime, and that call came for me happened whilst watching FC Bayern Munich v FC Köln on a Friday night in February. Out of the blue I get a phone call from Martin Coyd, the Chairman of the Wheelchair Rugby League - a sport which I reported on over the past two years - and he offers me the newly created position of Media Manager of the sport at national and international level. I couldn't believe he would offer it to me and I gladly accepted the job offer without knowing how difficult the job would be. I spent the first few months of the job travelling up and down the country reporting on the season (with a little help from the Medway Dragons WRL team). I think I did OK despite using the best facilities that I had to me (yes even the pen and paper technology was used). It was a steep learning curve but I was kept on track by the keen eyes of John and Sean from the RFL. It was a tough first season but I made a lot of progress showcasing the sport. I arranged coverage of the first ever WRL Challenge Cup Final with ITV News Granada Reports and ITV News Calendar. Despite the game not going ahead, the seeds were in place for showcasing the sport in the future, little did I know what was going to happen next. 

2015 WRL European Championships

I knew that the pressure was on me to get some great coverage of the tournament which being held in Gillingham. And I had a plan to showcase myself not only as a good media manage/reporter but also showcase the sport like never before. I offered coverage to all the major local media outlets both in Kent but also in the heartland of Rugby League. Luckily the seeds which I offered coverage of the failed Challenge Cup Final helped me here and I helped arranged ITV News Meridian to film the opening of the tournament whilst finals day was going to be featured on at least one ITV News region. The pressure was on to get the job done, luckily for me I was fully prepared with the right equipment which profiled a fantastic tournament. England WRL won the tournament with a golden point try in extra time over the world champions France, once game was finished, I got the coverage I wanted to be showed sent to ITV News and my job was done.

I felt that I did a good job. I had two packages, which I got some good reviews on and filmed coverage of the final which was sent to three ITV News Regions, thirty seconds of my coverage was used on ITV News Calendar.  It may have taken me nearly ten years to achieve this but I have finally filmed something for ITV News and I don't want to stop there. We have a new season to showcase and we have a World Championships coming up in 2017 in Australia and I want to film England WRL winning it for ITV News. The coverage and the stories from this tournament alone will also help me get future work as a reporter. Overall, I had a great first year in charge and I want to take it further in to my second season.

Away from my RFL work, I continued my work with the Kent Kings Speedway, Gillingham Ladies FC and also with GB Handball which has given me the thirst to play a bit of handball in the future, trust me I will be a better handball player than a football player. 

Well that will do for now, so have a merry and enjoyable 2016 and I hope it will bring everything that you want from it.

Till next time,

I'll Sithee and 'appy New Year to y'all 

John Seager Goes To Germany: the transcript from the Gillingham v Doncaster Rovers programme 7th March 2015

Evening all,

For those who couldn't make the game this Saturday, here is the full transcript from my article from the match day programme.

Enjoy. 

John Seager Goes To Germany...

Giant flags, sold out stadiums, safe standing, friendly fans and loads of bratwurst sausages. No, this was not a typical dream for many modern football fans; this is the result of my fantastic first ever trip to Germany to find all about what their football is really like.

 

By contrast I have never been to a Premier League game and the way that ticket prices are at the minute - and in the future as well even with a new £5 billion TV deal - I do not intend to go a Premier League game either. However I have had a secret obsession for following German football every week on TV and I finally made a cunning plan to go to see five games in one week in February. 

The main thing that sold going to Germany for me was the ticket prices for five games over a week including 4 Bundesliga and one 3.Liga (the equivalent to League One in England) all for the price of 125 Euros which is just over £100. That's almost the same cost of seeing one Arsenal category “A” game in the posh seats at the Emirates. Obviously you have to take other things into account (hotels, flights, food, beer etc) but I decided to see what the fuss is all about and find out if England and the FA in particular can learn something from them. 

The first game was in Mönchengladbach and it was a completely different experience from that at Priestfield. Constant signing from the home fans, standing areas behind the goal and yes they even allow you to drink Beer on the terraces and in the stands - albeit watered down beer, but seeing a man walking around with a beer pack on his back made it convenient for me to get a beer whilst watching the game. After the game there was a bus shuttle services from the ground to the station. It was a long journey as the traffic at the ground was horrendous but it was free and a convenient way to get back to the station. One thing I was totally mystified about the game was a man walking up and down the stands selling Pretzels to everyone. I just couldn't understand why Germans are so big on their Pretzels. Borussia  defeated Frieburg their visitors with a goal by Herrmann on 23 minutes in a tight game in front of 37,091. 

My second game was trip to Dortmund and was one game I was really looking forward to watching. 25,000 people standing behind one goal in a crowd of 80,667. Luckily both sets of fans were in full voice with drums and flags flying everywhere not just on the terrace. The Atmosphere went from electric at the beginning to utterly poisonous as Dortmund lost again at home. The visitors Augsburg scored the only goal on 50 minutes from Bobadilla to leave the Champions League regulars in the relegation zone! Weirdly to get something to eat in the ground you have to buy a food card from inside the ground for €10 (there is a €2 deposit should you wish to hand your card back at full time). Luckily I got my money's worth outside the ground where for €5 I had a roll with onions and three different pieces of sauerkraut and ham. That filled me up and they should have taken that inside the ground as an alternative to Bratwurst. What also was weird was that they sold a massive A4 programme full to the brim of what's happening at Dortmund and they only charge €2 for this. For the same kind of programme at an England game it will set you back £6. Luckily I met up with a Swedish Dortmund fan on the way back to the hotel and he will look into me getting a ticket on the Südtribune - the infamous “Yellow Wall” terrace in the near future. 

Perhaps most significantly I also got to try what "Safe-Standing" is like when I went to Schalke 04 against Borussia Mönchengladbach on the Friday night. I was with three other Gills fans that regularly make the trip to Gelsenkirchen and they are part of the official UK Schalke 04 fan club. I have never met a group of fans who have ever been so proud of the team. You cannot walk 200 meters down the street in Gelsenkirchen without seeing a flag or some poster related to Schalke 04 (admittedly there isn‘t much else). Even when I got to their main fanhaus near the Veltins Arena, they proudly welcomed foreign fans like me with open arms. I remember taking one group photo for some German fans, I told them that I was from England and they invited me to join in with my Gillingham scarf. I enjoyed the game as much as mixing with the locals; the standing inside the ground gave a good view of the pitch and the safe standing added to the atmosphere where I saw Schalke 04 edge out another 1-0 win in front of 61,973. Barnetta scoring the decisive goal after ten minutes. 

My trip ended up in Köln for a weekend of yet more football and the local Kölsch beer - a nice tasting beer served in small glasses and even better, the waitresses fill your glass up without the need of going to the bar and then operate a “trust system“ simply ticking your beermat and you settle up at the end of the night…. The first game I saw was at FC Köln’s superb RhinEnergie Stadion where the atmosphere was fantastic and again very welcoming to foreign fans but I saw a boring 0-0 draw against Paderborn 07 in a crowd of 49,500. The real drama occurred on the way back when I found out that Gillingham had defeated Sheffield United 2-0. I screamed out in delight in English on a packed tram and I admit a few of the German fans thought I was some sort of lunatic. I then explained in very bad German that I was a tourist and Gillingham fan from England and they eventually understood that everything was ok…

The following day saw my second game, a trip to southern Köln to see Fortuna Köln play out a great 3-0 win against table topping Arminia Bielefeld. It was played at a ground with a running track so the fans from both sides quite were far away from the action. It definitely didn’t help the lack of atmosphere despite the best efforts of over two thousand Bielefeld fans that made the journey across to Köln. But I tried to get involved with the Fortuna Ultras and ended up seeing a few goals at long last and then seeing myself on the TV highlights after the game when I got back to Düsseldorf. Glockner put the home side 1-0 up on 28 minutes, Dahmani made it 2-0 on 52 minutes and Rahn sealed a shock 3-0 win on 79 in front of 4,912.

Overall the whole trip was a memorable one despite the chronic lack of goals which is unusual for the Bundesliga. Nevertheless attending five games in one week has given me the taste to see more German games in the future. One criticism though, I do think that the Germans need to adapt their non smoking policy inside the grounds. Every game I went to there was at least three people around me lighting up and spoiling my view of the match. If I had my way, I would persuade the DFB to follow what we do over there and have a strict no smoking policy inside the ground. That aside though I would highly recommend at least trying to see one game over there to see how safe standing and cheaper prices can work. Oh yes, and anyone fancy a Currywürst?

John Seager's Review of the year 2014

Evening all,

Well 2014 has definitely continued on the momentum on the previous year of continuing the search of getting a paid reporting job and continuing the work I love to do. But also there was some excellent progress made in other departments which made me have some real highs and also some major lows in 2014.

But where to begin I hear you cry, well I think that there is only one place to start and unusual it begins with football but of a different kind.

Gillingham Ladies FC

At the beginning of the year, there were some tough negotiations about whether I can be available to be part of the small team of working on the media department with the club. At the time of the New Year, the club were playing at Chatham Town FC and they were looking to expand their media team. It was decided that I would help out Charlotte and Julian and join them for the rest of the season. Sadly it would wait until March until I could join them. The first game which I covered for the team was an excellent 6-0 win over Herne Bay Ladies in the Semi Final.

Despite the great result, my other paid job meant that I was very limited to work with the girls over the rest of the season. I did manage to bump into the beautiful Charlotte on Easter Sunday as I finally put a name to the face after all of negotiations at the beginning of the year. She built a great media team which I will know will help me get another step on the ladder and get me my first paid job as a reporter. The season for the girls was a great one, they went onto to win two trophies and narrowly miss out on the league title. I decided to stay on for the new season and continue the momentum.

The summer saw a lot of change at the club which saw the Ladies get taken over by the Men's team and we all moved to Priestfield for the first team games. It was an honour and privilege to join them for the new season although it was a different team from the end of last season as majority of the girls switched along with the manager to Brighton and Hove Albion Ladies. However some of the girls stayed on including Lauren and Emma who are class players and with some the new girls like the lovely Ellie and Ashlee coming into the team and a new manager as well it was going - and still is - a tough season but I'm hopeful the girls will turn it around in the new year.

An expansion in the Media team also helped me concentrate on doing more professional work on my own this time with the reserves which I have reported on some good games, seem some really professional performances from girls playing the game at just aged 16 years old and a couple of key cup wins in Charlton and Billericay. As always I have acted in a professional way and I use my ingenuity to help profile the reserves in a new light. The feedback I get from the team and girls is always very professional and they so like the work we do as well. All we go to do I maintain this high stand for the rest of the season which I know we will do very easily.

Elsewhere away from football - I won't mention the men's teams as there is nothing new to report here - I did get my teeth further into something following on from last year:

Kent Kings Speedway 2014 season

There was a lot of change of personnel going into the new season with a new captain and some new team mates for him. But they got off to a good start in the National League and the Knock-Out Cup - despite having a terrible record in the National Trophy - and they only lost one meeting at home during the season. This combined with a good victory on the road in Kings Lynn, meant that in only their second season in existence, the Kent Kings made the end of season playoffs. Sadly though for the team, they did not make though to the final despite having a slender lead going into the second leg. It was a privilege and an honour to report on the whole second season and seeing some amazing talents come though the system especially Danny Ayres who I have a feeling is going to be a great rider in the new season. It will be tough with all of the changes for the 2015 season but I hope the Kings can build on this in the new season.

Away from the track, it is also getting political as well with q planned extension of the 'curfew' at the ground going to the council but annoyingly it got rejected. With this new season in mind and despite the changes to the team, I do fear the future of speedway is up in the air but I am hopeful for the team sake - as well as the town as Sittingbourne needs to get some sort of tourism into the town and avoid Central Park becoming a "white elephant" - that something can be agreed on. If not then another sport will go away from the county for a long time.

Back to the topic in hand, apart from my reporting work - which also doing more work alongside Medway Council again with their coverage of the 'Medway Mile', the 'Big Splash' and also extensive coverage of the 'Wheelchair Rugby League 4 Nations' all work I now do alongside the folks at Medway Council, I also took the plunge and completed my driving tests. I managed to complete my theory tests despite some challenges of passing them and then on the fifth attempt I passed my practical driving test which meant I was able to be unleashed on the roads. And then there's...

Dates

Yes you did hear me right, the dreaded 'D' word that has definitely not been associated with me for a really long time.  Well I decided to take another plunge into the market of online dating this May. And oddly enough, it was a good idea. I did manage to go on a few dates one in London which I thought went very well. Then I went on a couple in and around Kent which sadly did not go well at all. It was a risk I was willing to take as you get them when you are on the dating scene. Luckily though in November I did manage to get in contact with a lovely young lady who I have met on a couple of occasions who I really do like a lot and I will be probably going to see her again in the New Year. Where will this take me? Where will I go from here...?

Who knows??

All is this in the past six months has let me finish this year on a high but we finish on something which I didn't expect to have when I was young but everything that has happened to me in the past has let me down this path which I'm trying to get better every day.

Anxiety

Back in the summer for no reason at all I did suffer from a few panic attacks which normally happen when I am trying to relax and unwind after a long day either working as journalist, bed salesman or even a warehouse operative. And they were getting worse and worse and even on one occasion they stop me from doing my reporting work. So I went to get some help and my counsellor has told me to focus on different things that make me happy and banish my negative thoughts from my mind. Even to this day I am trying my hardest to use this help to overcome my Anxiety and it is getting easier every day. I just got to keep this up during the New Year.

And on that note, we must end this review of 2014. I have gone a long way since started unemployed at the beginning of the year and with the stuff I have on the horizon in 2015 - a football holiday to Germany, the Rugby World Cup, new news events to report on, new interviews to be made, new stories to be told, new car, new friends to be made and hopefully a new girlfriend who likes me for being a good dam good journalist - I hope that this year will be the year of all years.

Well to you all - that will do for now, so have a merry and enjoyable 2015 and I hope it will bring everything that you want from it.

Till next time,

I'll Sithee and 'appy New Year to y'all 

Writing with Anxiety: Happiness

Evening All,

Since being diagnosed with Anxiety, The meetings I have had with my counsellor have been constructive and helpful as I start to overcome Anxiety and get myself feeling happier again.

And that work itself keeps coming up over and over again. "Happy". It is a word that would change my life for the better and the end goal of overcoming Anxiety.

I admit that it has been a very long time since I would use the word Happy, not since I graduated From University in 2009 - yes that long ago - and I have been fighting  a long to be happier again.

But as I explained to my counsellor no matter what I try and I put a lot of effort into the work I do as a reporter and also doing family stuff and following my hobbies.

Also I explained to the counsellor about one thing which I personally think will make me happy and that is being with someone who I really - and I mean really like - and all the other jobs that come with it. Basically it's about being in a relationship. But for me they are very, very difficult to come across and are rare as well.

I do admit that there is someone who I have had a secret crush on for the past six months. I am not one of those guys who would name names as I would be too embarrassed to show my feelings to this girl. But to put it simply; she is brainy, smart, dedicated to her profession and job, helpful, trustworthy and has the best smile in the world ever, all the things which I go for in a girl and I really want to get to know her better and it would make me happy being with her and being there for her.

But I did say to my counsellor that this take would be the most difficult as I have little or no experience in this field. The counsellor explained to me that since I have had little experience of this whilst growing up it feels that I am making an attempt of growing up again in order to be happy. I did have to agree on this statement as the only time I have had this experience was when I was independent and on my own whilst at University.

So my counsellor game me some more homework to concentrate on - basically I have to write down stuff in the past which didn't make me happy and what I would do different now. Initially it sounds complicated but for me, this would be easy to write down - it might me a few pages long given my past.

My Counsellor has also given me a task of writing stuff down on a list of what stuff makes me happy at present - both easy and uneasy goals, along with making notes about my thoughts and feelings over the past week as we will discuss them in our next meeting together. There are a few things that can be easily added to the list; Gillingham FC, doing Reporting work, Football Manager to name but a few and these will be added to the list with a few others as well.

Sadly though the counsellor called an end to the meeting but promised me that we will discuss more about getting better and happier next week.

To be continued...